Harry Potter Jokes Even Voldemort Will Love

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Why does Neville have to use two stalls when he goes to the bathroom? Because he has a Longbottom. Harry Potter jokes are always fun to read, and luckily with such a large following, it’s hard to find a muggle who can’t see the humor. Here are some hilarious jokes that you will surely love from the wizarding world.

Funny Harry Potter Jokes

Unlike Ron, these jokes will be sure to stick around in your memory as you share them with fellow Potter heads and muggles alike. The wizarding world is kept alive by the magic of these jokes, with Weasleys’ wizarding wheezes getting a run for their money with these amazing puns.

  1. Why did Snape stay in the middle of the road? To hide which side he’s on.
  2. What makes Mad-eye such a bad professor? He can’t control his pupils.
  3. Why does Ron love his pet so much? Because it’s the Pet-he-grew-up-with
  4. Why wasn’t Snape the Herbology professor? He couldn’t keep the Lilies alive.
  5. What language do postmen who have to get into Hogwarts use? Parcel-tongue
  6. Four students, one from each house, are lost in the forbidden forest at night. They find a magic lamp from which a genie erupts and grants them each a wish for freeing him. The Gryffindor steps up first and wishes to go back to the castle. Poof. Done. The Ravenclaw and Slytherin students also make the same wish and are spirited to the castle as well. The Hufflepuff is left alone and starts panicking. After a while, he says, “I can’t decide what I want. I wish my friends were here with me.” Poof. They are all brought back.
  7. What made Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking? Because it made him moody.
  8. In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes Harry’s cremated remains and scatters them outside. You’re in a blizzard Harry.
  9. Why doesn’t the Dark Lord wear Glasses? Nobody Nose
  10. What is a wizard with his arm in a thestral’s mouth called? A mechanic
  11. Why did Harry cross the road? Because you can’t use expelliarmus to get to the other side.
  12. Hagrid bursts down the door and shouts to harry, “Harry, yer a lightbulb.”
    Harry:” A watt?
  13. How do you find a gym in Hogwarts? You find the dumb-le-dor.
  14. What do wizards use to read PDFs? They use a-dobby.
  15. What do you call a dark lord who’s been executed? Volt-demort

Dirty Harry Potter Jokes

HP is famous worldwide since it is suitable for all age groups. However, we all find humor in the series from a different perspective. Let’s get right to it, then shall we.

  1. “An engorgement charm, I suppose?” said Hermione, halfway between disapproval and amusement. “Well you’ve done a good job on them.”
    “That’s what yer little sister said,” said Hagrid, nodding at Ron. “Met her jus yesterday.” Hagrid looked sideways at Harry, his beard twitching.
  2. Harry didn’t sleep all night. He could hear Neville sobbing into his pillow for what seemed like hours. Harry couldn’t think of anything to say to comfort him. He knew Neville, like himself, was dreading the dawn. What would happen when the rest of Gryffindor found out what they’d done?
  3. I’m a beater. Some would even say I’m a master at it.
  4. Why don’t we take this to my room, and I’ll show you why they called her moaning Myrtle.
  5. Unlike most wizards, I don’t need accio to make you come.
  6. I might not be an animagus, but I can sure be an animal in the sack.
  7. Just like a portkey, one-touch, and I’ll take you places you’ve never been before.
  8. Hey love, is that a wand your carrying or are you just excited to see me?
  9. “Hey Harry, is it true you’re seeing Cho Chang again? I thought you guys broke up.”
    “We did until I heard that she’s the head girl of her house.
  10. (wit refers to the penis in Shakespearan times)
    What did Rowena Ravenclaw think when she made the motto of her house, “wit beyond measure is a man’s greatest treasure.”

Harry Potter Dad Jokes

Dad jokes are, to many, the pinnacle of humor. They have aged like fine wine, and if you are not too keen, the joke might sail right past you. Dads have mastered the art of making you laugh whether you want to or not, and sure enough, these Harry Potter dad jokes will make you laugh your hat off.

  1. What is Aragog’s favorite day of the week? Fly-day
  2. What did Fred say on hearing that the boggart turned into a spider when facing Ron? That’s ridiculous
  3. What did the wizard say when he got robbed by muggles? Could you please help me, officer, I’ve been mugged?
  4. “Harry, your godfathers dead.”
    “Are you serious?”
    “No, I’m Dumbledore”
  5. Why doesn’t riddle use perfume? Because he can’t smell it.
  6. Why was Snape never suspected to be Dumbledore’s spy? He couldn’t smell that something was up.
  7. Why did Voldemort seek out Pinocchio? To learn how he grew his nose.

Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff Puns

Unlike the other two houses, Gryffindor and Slytherin, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were less talked about in the books. However, they did have some iconic characters that did have their moments. That being said, they were still the subject of some jokes and puns, which we all enjoyed.

  1. What does a Hufflepuff do after a wand duel? He huffs and puffs.
  2. Why wasn’t Harry sorted into Ravenclaw? The nitwit tried to catch falling letters from the sky when he was literally standing on a pile of them.

Gryffindor Puns

Many HP fans love the Gryffindor house, and who would blame them? It’s literally where the boy who lived belonged. Not known to be the brightest of the lot, they make up for it by being the bravest and always showing up when it counts.

  1. Sirius: Hey mom, I got into Gryffindor
    Mom: You can’t be serious.
  2. If I opened my Gryffindor, would you slither in?
  3. Is it true that Professor McGonagall stood up to Umbridge? Yeap, she’s a lot of Minerva that one.

Slytherin Puns

Slytherin might be the house from which the Dark Lord came, but it also produced some of the best characters who made the story worth reading. Here are a few jokes that show the funny side of Slytherin house.

  1. What do we call too many Snape’s? Severus’
  2. How did the Slytherin get the job at the post office? He could speak parcel-tongue
  3. Why was Draco’s robe so dirty? He had been slithering in the dungeons.


The Harry Potter franchise is truly a magical marvel excelling at churning your emotions and keeping you glued to the pages. It is a true masterpiece and thankfully still works to lighten the mood as you crack up some funny Harry Potter jokes. Even those who might not know the franchise are sure to love these jokes. We hope you enjoyed it.

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