11 Smartest Insults That Don’t Involve Swearing

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Foul-mouthing is usually a go-to way to get back at someone who annoys you or to make a point. But it’s not smart and doesn’t leave an impact. Try these eleven backhanded compliments that will leave people speechless.

“I Don’t Know, but I Wish I Were Still There”

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One guy says a girl he liked answered this when he asked where she’d been all his life. As harsh as the insult was, he got the message that she wanted nothing to do with him. 

“You’re a Conversation Starter, Not When You Are Around but Once You Leave”

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Ouch, that’s brutal, but precisely what insults do. “This would break my heart,” admits a poster. However, it can also be translated into a compliment, to mean you are physically attractive. 

“I Bet Your Parents Change the Subject When Their Friends Ask About You”

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This line cuts deep without using cuss words. A user points out, “My mom barely talks about me because she’s ashamed of the decisions I made in my life.” So, imagine using this insult on someone with low self-esteem. It would be devastating. 

“I Envy the People Who Haven’t Met You”

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You can use this line or “I wish I could turn you into a stranger” to deal with people who add no value to your life.

One commentator admits, “I have a deaf co-worker, and every once in a while, I’ll tell my friend how much I envy him.” Why? From this commentator’s point of view, his co-worker’s deafness protects him from hearing other co-workers. 

“I’m Lonely, Not Desperate”

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This is an ideal comeback when someone is persistent about dating, even when you already said no. An opposite, effective, non-swearing line is, “Why are you playing hard to get when you’re already hard to want?”

“I Find the Fact That You’ve Lived This Long Both Surprising and Disappointing”

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“I can only imagine someone would have to really outdo themselves…to make you feel the need to say that,” writes a poster. 

You can also say, “Disappointing surprises are rare for me, but you being alive is the biggest one I’ve gotten.”

“I Wish for Just One Time You Could Stand in My Shoes – You’d Know What a Drag It Is to See You”

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This lyric from Bob Dylan’s song, Positively 4th Street, has a self-explanatory meaning.   

“My Days of Not Taking You Seriously Are Certainly Coming to a Middle”

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Malcolm Reynolds uses this insult in one Firefly episode, and many online users find it effective. Use it on a person whose actions and words mean nothing to you. 

“I’m Genuinely Excited to Never Interact With You Again”

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Isn’t this an excellent way to part ways with someone you dislike? A father writes, “I am looking forward to the day when my oldest child ages out of child support so I can use it on my ex-wife.”

“If You Were the Light at the End of the Tunnel, I’d Turn Back Around”

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This is another ‘Ouch’ insult. Other similar variations are, “If you were the trophy at the end of the race, I’d walk backward,” and “If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I would be listening for the train,” “praying it puts me out of misery quickly.”

“You Have the Personality of a Slightly Tilted Picture Frame”

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This is a great insult to use on someone who feels superior to others.

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